Unfair...

6 months. That's how long it's been since the last post. No one read the last one and no one will read this one either but I'm really okay with that.

Send the past 6 months a few things have happened the most major which was having surgery to repair a torn meniscus on my right knee. While they were doing the repair, they found that within my joint, I am already bone on bone which basically means I need knee replacement surgery. 37 years old and already need to have a knee replacement. I'm shocked and horrified. I'm more horrified that the insurance doesn't cover the surgery until your 55 years old. Who has $50,000 laying around for surgery? Not this kid.

Since that surgery and the news, my joint health has considerably gone downhill. And not just in the right name but also the left. Let's become something of a game to find out each morning if I'm going to be able to walk without the use of a cane. Everybody says you need to start exercising again that'll help but unfortunately it won't. Nothing will help the fact that my joints are fucked.

Because of this, there's several things in my life I won't be able to do anymore. The most major is be a parent. Not being able to play with your children kind of stops that reality. I refuse to be an old man parent like my father was. If I can't interact with a child that I shouldn't be a parent. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. My heart is utterly broken because even though I'm almost 40 I had held out hope. Now that hope is shattered.

In addition, I will no longer be able to do musical theatre. If you can't dance and you can't get down on the floor then you can't do theater. This also hurts my heart. I love being on the stage and making people feel. It seems now that chapter of my life is also closed before I wanted it to be.

So yeah, right now life really does suck and I really really wish there was a way 2 go back to figure something else out because this is not fair.

Emotional

Is there anything in your life that makes you cry every time you think about it? For me, it's the knowledge that there's a 90% chance that I will not be a parent. Nearly 37 years old and can't afford to pay a surrogate and don't want to put the task of carrying a child for me on someone... I don't want to be that type of burden!

Anytime I see people having children or a storyline that revolves around someone with a child, I get extremely emotional. I guess that's my internal clock... It's sad because I think I would actually be a pretty decent dad. Sometimes we just have to give up the things we want the most because life kind of sucks. But we put on our big boy pants and keep plowing through the daily muck and mire.

So anyhow, that's the most depressed update you'll see on a Blog I'm sure! I actually forgotten about this space... I probably won't be updating often but at least when I do it will be interesting...

XOX

not working out

So I signed up and I think I worked out for maybe two weeks. After that my joints decided that they are not happy. Honestly, I'm not surprised being that we're carrying 400 lb again. I am so utterly frustrated that I often find myself crying because I just don't know what to do. I am contemplating going back to the gastroenterologist and talking about having yet another bariatric surgery. The first one didn't stick, so I'm not sure why I feel like another will help... I am so utterly unhappy at the size that I'm at right now. I am depressed and I don't do anything much outside of my house anymore because I cannot stand how big I am and I don't want anyone to see me. I don't talk to people about this because it's not a comfortable thing to talk about. I don't feel like I'm living. I am merely existing and this is not acceptable. Something has to give and I'm not sure what it is but I'll figure it out. I am alone right now for a reason and I believe it's to get myself fixed. Inasmuch as it would be nice to have someone here to push and motivate me, I think I need to get to a place where I push and motivate myself.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Interesting conversation...

So I talked to B and he said that he doesn't plan on getting a job when he gets out. My response to that was that I don't believe two people can survive on my income. His response was that I "have some things I need to think about then..."

Apparently someone has put this foolish notion in his brain that somehow he will be able to collect some sort of disability once he's out. I don't know that that is true. He has made some other remarks about being self-destructive once he's out so I really do have some things I need to think about.

We're almost at the halfway point of his sentence and I guess it is time to start thinking. I love him but I'm not sure that I can support him for the rest of his life and I'm not sure that I want to but what I am sure of is that his decision is completely selfish.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant.

I think I'm going to try to start back at the gym tomorrow. I'm going to set a goal for 4 weeks to see if I can make it to the gym at least 12 times, which is 3 times a week. I'm going to post this self goal on Facebook and make sure that I check in each time I'm at the gym. That way I have some sort of personal accountability.

Vacation... sort of...

So as I sit here in my gorgeous hotel room on this absolutely comfortable bed, I I'm a little bit sad that I didn't have anyone to share this vacation with. None of my friends could join me and not having a partner who could come, I did make the decision to come by myself. It was a good and relaxing trip but just feels a little bit lacking.

With that being said, I didn't not enjoy myself LOL I had a very good time even though it rained each day, except for today of course, when I'm leaving, it's absolutely gorgeous and sunny lol. I'll be back in September with my besties for our beach weekend and that will be amazing!

And now, it's time for the dreaded drive home... For some reason people don't know how to drive West LOL driving East toward the beach was a breeze but traffic was at a standstill so many times westbound and so I'm not looking forward to it at all.

It's been a while...

So I started working out about two weeks ago I believe and I love it! It is definitely something I have been missing. I feel like it's bringing me out of a funk as well. I have a feeling this is because I am accomplishing something. I just hope that I will stick to it... what I will say is that at least this is something I am paying for so that is a motivation in and of itself LOL

In addition to working out, I have been preparing for this upcoming voice concert and I feel pretty good about it. At least from a personal standpoint. Apparently I am also going back on the leadership team and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that LOL we'll see.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to check in for anyone who's actually reading this blog and I will try to do better with updates... but if you know me, you will know that I'm really bad at keeping up with things LOL

XOXOXOXO

4 days off...

I was so excited at 4 p.m. on Friday because I knew that I had  the next 4 days off! I was going to get my house cleaned and my yard mowed and everything in my home life back in order... Unfortunately, that did not happen (yet).

On Saturday morning I received a phone call from my sister asking when I was coming to the church. I had completely forgotten that we were doing a fundraiser and that I was expected to be there to help. I rushed through a shower and ran to the store to pick up some needed items for the church and finally got to the church around 10:30 a.m. I didn't leave until nearly 5. By the time I got home I was utterly exhausted. Nothing got done at my house on Saturday.

Sunday morning rolled around and I woke up to get ready for church because I had to play the service since the normal pianist was not there. Once the service was over, my parents and I went out to lunch and I didn't get home until almost 3. I made the mistake of sitting down in my recliner and cuddling with my dogs and I fell asleep... When I woke up I thought it had only been about 15 minutes and decided that I was going to brew some iced tea and when I saw the clock, I was appalled to see that it was 5:15. I had rehearsal at 5:30 and was there until 9:30... Needless to say nothing got done on Sunday.

Today, I slept in. I actually slept like the dead last night which was absolutely fantastic although it did lead me to have some very bizarre dreams. I didn't wake up until 10 a.m. at which point I went outside to mow my lawn and weed eat around the perimeter of my fence before the rain started. I'm not sure if it's just me or if everyone gets exhausted whenever they have to push no no matter how big or small the area... I finished around 12 and came in and showered. Afterward, I made lunch and sat down to watch something on Netflix while I ate and lo and behold I fell asleep LOL. I woke up around 5:30 and realized I had no food in the house so I went out to grab some food and got home around 7. I've managed to wash 2 loads of laundry and that's it. Still no house work has been completed.

I am setting an alarm so that I will wake up no later than 9:30 tomorrow and tomorrow will be house cleaning day. If I do not get a dent in this filth that I'm living in, I will go crazy.

When I mention this to people, they ask me how it got so bad and, in all truth, it's been a Snowball Effect since September. When I went in the hospital for my gallbladder surgery, the house was untidy. Once I got home from recuperating at Mom and Dad's I let things go. My boss went out on medical leave on October 4th and I was the only manager at the hotel all the way through until the new owners took over on January 18th so when I wasn't working, I was utterly exhausted and nothing got done at my house. Since January 18th, I have been working less hours then before but still 45 to 50 hours per week and I am just tired all the time. I believe part of that is depression but I also believe that my body is still trying to catch up. Anyhoo, I have been in a very bad cycle of not cleaning and I really need to get a handle on it ASAP