Unfair...

6 months. That's how long it's been since the last post. No one read the last one and no one will read this one either but I'm really okay with that.

Send the past 6 months a few things have happened the most major which was having surgery to repair a torn meniscus on my right knee. While they were doing the repair, they found that within my joint, I am already bone on bone which basically means I need knee replacement surgery. 37 years old and already need to have a knee replacement. I'm shocked and horrified. I'm more horrified that the insurance doesn't cover the surgery until your 55 years old. Who has $50,000 laying around for surgery? Not this kid.

Since that surgery and the news, my joint health has considerably gone downhill. And not just in the right name but also the left. Let's become something of a game to find out each morning if I'm going to be able to walk without the use of a cane. Everybody says you need to start exercising again that'll help but unfortunately it won't. Nothing will help the fact that my joints are fucked.

Because of this, there's several things in my life I won't be able to do anymore. The most major is be a parent. Not being able to play with your children kind of stops that reality. I refuse to be an old man parent like my father was. If I can't interact with a child that I shouldn't be a parent. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. My heart is utterly broken because even though I'm almost 40 I had held out hope. Now that hope is shattered.

In addition, I will no longer be able to do musical theatre. If you can't dance and you can't get down on the floor then you can't do theater. This also hurts my heart. I love being on the stage and making people feel. It seems now that chapter of my life is also closed before I wanted it to be.

So yeah, right now life really does suck and I really really wish there was a way 2 go back to figure something else out because this is not fair.

Emotional

Is there anything in your life that makes you cry every time you think about it? For me, it's the knowledge that there's a 90% chance that I will not be a parent. Nearly 37 years old and can't afford to pay a surrogate and don't want to put the task of carrying a child for me on someone... I don't want to be that type of burden!

Anytime I see people having children or a storyline that revolves around someone with a child, I get extremely emotional. I guess that's my internal clock... It's sad because I think I would actually be a pretty decent dad. Sometimes we just have to give up the things we want the most because life kind of sucks. But we put on our big boy pants and keep plowing through the daily muck and mire.

So anyhow, that's the most depressed update you'll see on a Blog I'm sure! I actually forgotten about this space... I probably won't be updating often but at least when I do it will be interesting...

XOX