not working out

So I signed up and I think I worked out for maybe two weeks. After that my joints decided that they are not happy. Honestly, I'm not surprised being that we're carrying 400 lb again. I am so utterly frustrated that I often find myself crying because I just don't know what to do. I am contemplating going back to the gastroenterologist and talking about having yet another bariatric surgery. The first one didn't stick, so I'm not sure why I feel like another will help... I am so utterly unhappy at the size that I'm at right now. I am depressed and I don't do anything much outside of my house anymore because I cannot stand how big I am and I don't want anyone to see me. I don't talk to people about this because it's not a comfortable thing to talk about. I don't feel like I'm living. I am merely existing and this is not acceptable. Something has to give and I'm not sure what it is but I'll figure it out. I am alone right now for a reason and I believe it's to get myself fixed. Inasmuch as it would be nice to have someone here to push and motivate me, I think I need to get to a place where I push and motivate myself.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Interesting conversation...

So I talked to B and he said that he doesn't plan on getting a job when he gets out. My response to that was that I don't believe two people can survive on my income. His response was that I "have some things I need to think about then..."

Apparently someone has put this foolish notion in his brain that somehow he will be able to collect some sort of disability once he's out. I don't know that that is true. He has made some other remarks about being self-destructive once he's out so I really do have some things I need to think about.

We're almost at the halfway point of his sentence and I guess it is time to start thinking. I love him but I'm not sure that I can support him for the rest of his life and I'm not sure that I want to but what I am sure of is that his decision is completely selfish.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant.

I think I'm going to try to start back at the gym tomorrow. I'm going to set a goal for 4 weeks to see if I can make it to the gym at least 12 times, which is 3 times a week. I'm going to post this self goal on Facebook and make sure that I check in each time I'm at the gym. That way I have some sort of personal accountability.

Vacation... sort of...

So as I sit here in my gorgeous hotel room on this absolutely comfortable bed, I I'm a little bit sad that I didn't have anyone to share this vacation with. None of my friends could join me and not having a partner who could come, I did make the decision to come by myself. It was a good and relaxing trip but just feels a little bit lacking.

With that being said, I didn't not enjoy myself LOL I had a very good time even though it rained each day, except for today of course, when I'm leaving, it's absolutely gorgeous and sunny lol. I'll be back in September with my besties for our beach weekend and that will be amazing!

And now, it's time for the dreaded drive home... For some reason people don't know how to drive West LOL driving East toward the beach was a breeze but traffic was at a standstill so many times westbound and so I'm not looking forward to it at all.

It's been a while...

So I started working out about two weeks ago I believe and I love it! It is definitely something I have been missing. I feel like it's bringing me out of a funk as well. I have a feeling this is because I am accomplishing something. I just hope that I will stick to it... what I will say is that at least this is something I am paying for so that is a motivation in and of itself LOL

In addition to working out, I have been preparing for this upcoming voice concert and I feel pretty good about it. At least from a personal standpoint. Apparently I am also going back on the leadership team and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that LOL we'll see.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to check in for anyone who's actually reading this blog and I will try to do better with updates... but if you know me, you will know that I'm really bad at keeping up with things LOL

XOXOXOXO

4 days off...

I was so excited at 4 p.m. on Friday because I knew that I had  the next 4 days off! I was going to get my house cleaned and my yard mowed and everything in my home life back in order... Unfortunately, that did not happen (yet).

On Saturday morning I received a phone call from my sister asking when I was coming to the church. I had completely forgotten that we were doing a fundraiser and that I was expected to be there to help. I rushed through a shower and ran to the store to pick up some needed items for the church and finally got to the church around 10:30 a.m. I didn't leave until nearly 5. By the time I got home I was utterly exhausted. Nothing got done at my house on Saturday.

Sunday morning rolled around and I woke up to get ready for church because I had to play the service since the normal pianist was not there. Once the service was over, my parents and I went out to lunch and I didn't get home until almost 3. I made the mistake of sitting down in my recliner and cuddling with my dogs and I fell asleep... When I woke up I thought it had only been about 15 minutes and decided that I was going to brew some iced tea and when I saw the clock, I was appalled to see that it was 5:15. I had rehearsal at 5:30 and was there until 9:30... Needless to say nothing got done on Sunday.

Today, I slept in. I actually slept like the dead last night which was absolutely fantastic although it did lead me to have some very bizarre dreams. I didn't wake up until 10 a.m. at which point I went outside to mow my lawn and weed eat around the perimeter of my fence before the rain started. I'm not sure if it's just me or if everyone gets exhausted whenever they have to push no no matter how big or small the area... I finished around 12 and came in and showered. Afterward, I made lunch and sat down to watch something on Netflix while I ate and lo and behold I fell asleep LOL. I woke up around 5:30 and realized I had no food in the house so I went out to grab some food and got home around 7. I've managed to wash 2 loads of laundry and that's it. Still no house work has been completed.

I am setting an alarm so that I will wake up no later than 9:30 tomorrow and tomorrow will be house cleaning day. If I do not get a dent in this filth that I'm living in, I will go crazy.

When I mention this to people, they ask me how it got so bad and, in all truth, it's been a Snowball Effect since September. When I went in the hospital for my gallbladder surgery, the house was untidy. Once I got home from recuperating at Mom and Dad's I let things go. My boss went out on medical leave on October 4th and I was the only manager at the hotel all the way through until the new owners took over on January 18th so when I wasn't working, I was utterly exhausted and nothing got done at my house. Since January 18th, I have been working less hours then before but still 45 to 50 hours per week and I am just tired all the time. I believe part of that is depression but I also believe that my body is still trying to catch up. Anyhoo, I have been in a very bad cycle of not cleaning and I really need to get a handle on it ASAP

Tired of hurting...

It's a pretty ambiguous title... however, it allows me to post several different aspects of life LOL

So the pain that is at the Forefront of all of this is my tooth and jaw issues. There is nothing worse than tooth pain and this abscess is killing me. I'm wondering if that's not literal since I'm taking ibuprofen every 3 to 4 hours. I'm being extra careful though because I don't want to land myself back in the hospital with another bleeding ulcer...

People keep questioning my decision to have a root canal and Crown put on this too but I'm not really sure what else to do because I don't want to walk around looking like a jacked up Redneck with a front tooth missing. My niece suggested an implant so I might talk to the dentist about that and see if the insurance will cover it. My fear is that if I have an implant put in, that will use all of my allotted dental insurance and I have plenty of issues that I need to get taken care of this year.

So the secondary type of hurt that I am dealing with right now it is emotional. I am lonely and I believe I'm depressed. I can barely motivate myself to do anything on my days off. For instance, today I woke up and let the dogs out and made breakfast and then I sat down in my recliner then fell asleep for five hours. I woke up I let the dogs out and I made lunch/dinner, again say down in the recliner and fell asleep for another 5 hours. I got up and am now getting ready for bed for the night. The only joy I get out of life right now is work. I never invite people to my house because it's a pigsty and I never get invited anywhere...

The third type of hurt I'm feeling is spiritual. There's a huge disconnect between me and my faith right now. There's no nurturing from my church, as the current pastor is fixated on the fact that we're in the apocalypse, and I'm getting absolutely nothing from his sermons lately. I don't think I'm the only one, as the size of the congregation seems to dwindle weekly.  I'm really thinking that I need to find another church but that makes me extremely nervous. Maybe I just need to start reading my bible... we'll see.

Well kids, that's all I've got. Time to take some allergy meds and ibuprofen and get to sleep... 545 comes awfully earthly in the morning!

XOXOX

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to...

So the actual celebration of my birthday, which was held on April 10th, was really nice... We went to Macado's for dinner and 18 people ended up being there which was awesome! However, my teeth decided that I wasn't going to be able to fully enjoy anything because around 2 o'clock that afternoon, I started started having a lot of sensitivity... now being a person who has sensitive teeth, it wasn't particularly new however it was worse than normal. As the afternoon progressed it got worse to the point that I asked a friend for some pain medication. The pain medication did not help. After dinner my parents my brother and I went to see the boss baby which was really funny and I did enjoy it but the whole time had the nagging pain in my mouth. As we were leaving the theater, I promised my mom that I would go to the dentist on my birthday even though that's not how I wanted to spend my birthday.

When I woke up on my actual birthday, April 11th, I felt horrendous and the lower right quadrant of my face was extremely swollen. I was swollen to the point I didn't have a chin on that side (if you don't happen to know me, I have a very prominent ball shaped chin)! Needless to say I definitely was going to the dentist. Since I woke up at 5 a.m. and the dentist didn't open until 10 I took some ibuprofen and lay back down. I didn't wake back up until around 1:30, at which point I got ready and went to the dentist.  I didn't have to wait long, as the receptionist could tell I was in pretty bad pain. The dental assistant took me in and took two x-rays of my mouth. When the dentist came and she was very surprised at how much pain I was in because apparently they couldn't see any sign of tooth decay anywhere near my pain center. She gave me an antibiotic and said to take 4 ibuprofen every 6 hours for pain because no other pain medication will touch nerve pain. We are assuming that I have a dying tooth and then I will need a root canal and Crown. The other possibility is that there is some sort of bizarre nerve damage going on which is causing the swelling and pain and if things don't subside after 48 hours I am to go back and we are to look at that a little more closely.

Needless to say, this is not how I wanted to spend my 36th birthday. Alas, I suppose this is what happens when you get older LMAO

Sleepless nights

I am so tired of sleepless nights. I don't understand why I cannot fall asleep. I'm exhausted from the bizarre schedule I have at work and I don't drink caffeinated tea anymore so I just don't understand...

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me internally. At work, I get these massive hot flashes to the point of feeling like I'm going to get violently ill. I'm hoping it's not my blood pressure but if it continues I will have to have that checked out... my boss seems to think it's from the sodas I drink while I'm at work but I'm not sure... and I am aware that soda has caffeine but I leave work most days by 5 so the caffeine should be out of my system by the time I go to bed...

So I'm trying a coconut oil hair mask tonight to see if it will help my seborrheic dermatitis... my scalp has been a horribly itchy lately and I'm really hoping this will help. Also, it will be a nice addition of some oils back into my hair that were stripped out when I colored it

My birthday is coming up on Tuesday and we're going out to dinner and a movie but I'm not sure where I would like to go out to eat. I'd like to invite some friends so I'm trying to be kind and not pick a really expensive place but I can't think of anywhere inexpensive that I really would like to go to... I'm not really in the mood for Mexican or Italian and those tend to be the least expensive in the burg... we shall see... I have to make a decision by tomorrow so I can post it on Facebook for people to see.

Anywho, I suppose I should forced myself to try to sleep instead of blogging LOL so, it is 11:45 p.m. and I'm going to try to go to sleep again ... I've been doing this since 9 p.m.

Goodnight.

The Cursed Day

I'm not really one who believes in curses, per se. Are usually think that life is basically what you make of it but this is a whole different ball game...

APRIL 3

2015

After months and months and months of doctors appointments and psychiatric evaluations and prayer and hopefulness, the love of my life was sentenced to six years in prison for a crime of the Mind... There was no actual physical crime committed and he has to serve time in a Virginia state prison... I still cannot wrap my head around this.

2017

My cousin is diagnosed with breast cancer. She's not that much older than me and I just cannot believe it...

I guess it's not that the day has bad stuff every year, but that the bad stuff that happens is HUGE and really fucking scary. I think maybe I'll just sleep thru it next year.
---------------

So, my get-up-and-go got up and went... I have no idea when or why but I literally have zero energy to do anything when I am not working. My house is a fucking pigsty and my car is almost as bad. I keep saying I'm going to join the gym again but I haven't made any effort to do that. Something has got to give but I'm not sure what. I don't feel depressed so I'm not sure that I can even blame it on depression... But then again maybe I've been depressed so long that it is my new normal. I would assume that's possible.

Allergy season has come again and along with that comes the allergy medicine which makes me extremely groggy which really isn't going to help a damn thing... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

On top of all this, we are so short staffed at work it's ridiculous... when I go into work on day shift, I don't know what part of the hotel I will be working in. Whether it will be housekeeping or front desk because we don't have enough people in either of those departments. I'm working both 7 - 3 & 3 - 11 shifts which is throwing my sleep schedule completely out of whack and that is not helping ANYTHING. Hopefully, things will mellow out soon because if not I'm afraid I'm going to burn out and end up in the mental ward LOL.

As sad as this may sound, I don't really have anything that gives me joy anymore. I love my dogs to pieces and they are amazing but they are a staple of my life and not something I get super excited about anymore. I still sing with VOICE but there's no excitement with that either because we've done it all and it's just kind of the same thing over and over and over again. The only thing that gives me any sense of enjoyment is my work. I actually feel a sense of accomplishment there and feel like I'm appreciated. Sometimes I feel like management is blowing smoke up my ass just so I will keep doing what I'm doing but for the most part I think they actually do appreciate me.

So... When I read what I just wrote, I believe maybe I am depressed. Guess I need to break out some St. John's Wort and see if that helps or if I actually need to get a prescription these days...

I hope this helps...

So... I'm not the best at keeping up with things but hopefully that will change with this blog. I am struggling. A lot. I am 35 years old and really feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I graduated from college in 2003 with a Bachelor of Science in Liberal Arts... basically a degree in nothing.

I had a gastric bypass in 2002 and went from 515 pounds down to 280 pounds but have slowly gained back up to 396 pounds.

I met this weirdo freak in 2004 and we talked for a little while and then he went off the deep end mentally LOL and we didn't talk for quite some time. We reconnected in 2006 and officially became a couple on November 18th of 2007. We helped each other through some really hard stuff and our bond seems like it would last a lifetime. In 2014 some really bad shit went down and he was arrested for some pretty stupid charges and was incarcerated in April of 2015. He is slated to be released in May of 2020. We are currently still together.

Those are the reasons I am depressed. I will not go to the doctor for said depression because I don't believe it is that bad. If I can just get in the habit of taking my vitamins and St. John's Wort everyday I feel so much better... I am just the worst at medication. Thank God I don't have any prescriptions that I must take everyday.

The one aspect in my life that is actually going well, for now, is my job. I have worked in all sorts of Industries and none ever truly felt right. Nearly eight years ago I applied at the Jameson Inn, at the behest of my mother, for a night audit position, and was hired two days later! I have worked my way up the ranks and I'm now an assistant manager at the same location which is now Quality Inn. The hotel has changed ownership three times in my tenure and we have changed management 4 times. Currently, I am quite happy in my position, but I really hope to have my own Hotel soon. We shall see how that pans out.

So this is the getting-to-know-you post... at some point, in the near future, I will delve into parts of my psyche that hopefully won't scare anyone.